- Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
- … on Vegetarians. “Vegetarian” – that’s an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
- … on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
- … on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
- … on morning differences. Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
- … on phone-in-polls. You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say "I don’t know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting "I don’t know." Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON’T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I’m not in the mood."
- … on “cripes.” My wife’s from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
- … on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grand-mother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
- … on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? "Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling… speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love!"
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
4. I don’t do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Sto"Buy one dog, get one flea…"
6. I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead’s.
11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: "Don’t pick that up; you don’t know where it’s been!"