The Holmes Family Newsletter
Largest Tri-Weekly Newsletter Circulation in the West!
[tri-weekly (tri-week'lee) 1. we TRY to get it out weekly)
[Editor's Note: This will probably be the last issue. See article below.]
Newsletter Held For Ransom!
The Newsletter's religious advisor, Oral Hershiser, received a message from God last night! He says that if The Newsletter does not receive thirty-seven million dollars ($37,000,000.00) within the next six weeks, the entire Newsletter staff will be "called home!" Whatever that means. Please send your checks, your money orders, your children's allowance! Can you spell "hallelujah"? Then you can spell your name on a blank check. Amen.
Jeannie Sells First Puppy
Jeannie sold her first puppy! Now she desperately needs your help thinking up names for the rest of her puppies-actually her dog Chance's puppies-before they're sold! The names have to begin with the letter "B" because this is the second litter, hence the letter "B," from Lucy's kennel, "Nightshadow", Lucy's fist kennel, hence the name, and she, Jeannie, has so far only come up with a few names, as follows: Born Leader (sold), Born to Run, Born Under a Wandering Star, Born Yesterday, Born a Poor Black Child, Bobbing for Apples, Backseat Boogie, Bag of Tricks, Beans & Rice, Box Office Boffo, Baba Lou and Bert. She needs twenty-seven more names. It's a big litter.
Any suggestions? Send them to "What's My Name?", c/o Tiffany & Thomas, _____, Lathrop, CA 95330, FAX #: (209) ???-????.
Doug Lost In Wilderness
Doug was last seen somewhere in Massachusetts. The Newsletter's roving reporters, however, have found some clues that may lead to his capture. What they found looks like an itinerary. Here it is:
Aug. 5th – Montreal CANADA
6th – Quebec
7th – New Brunswick and Kouchibouguac Nat'l Park
8th – Nova Scotia (Halifax)
9th – Kejimkujik Nat'l Park
10-15 – Canoe trip
16th – Fredericton, New Brunswick and Fundy Nat'l Park
17th – Maine USA and Acadia Nat'l Park
18th – Acadia N.P. and Augusta, ME
19th – White Mountains
20th – Concord, NH and Green Mtns, VT to Lake George, NY
21st – Back "home" at Dick Krueger's on Lake George.
The Newsletter will be sending a reporter out to track down and capture "The Wild Man."
Mike Sent Overseas
Won't be long now before Lucy sends Mike off to Germany to fight in the BEER HALL WARS. Please buy BEER BONDS and help Mike in his fight.
The Newsletter caught up with Steve recently and, for a substantial amount of cash, was allowed to ask him some hard-hitting questions. Here's how it went:
Newsletter: You've written a book?
Steve: All Across America.
Newsletter: Sounds like a big book.
Steve: That's the title, "All Across America"
Newsletter: I see. Yes. That would make sense. How many pages will it be, exactly?
Steve: 409, 417, 429, 443, or 3,228, depending on the size of the print.
Newsletter: I hear it will have pictures. What I want to know is, will they be big enough so that I can color within the lines? I hate it when I go outside the lines.
Steve: There will be some illustrations, but it's not a coloring book. Are you sure you're interviewing the right person?
[Due to the intensity and emotion involved in the interview, a short recess was taken.
Then, one by one, Steve and the interviewer returned to their seats and continued.]
Newsletter: Steve … May I call you "Steve?"
Newsletter: You want me to call you "Shirley"?
Steve: Are you always this thick?
Newsletter: I've been gaining weight. Why?
Steve: Never mind.
Newsletter: "Steve". Is that spelt with a "ph" or a "v"? I hear you and Denise will be moving into a new home soon. True? [Steve nods] Can you tell our readers what, exactly, is the address?
Steve: I'd rather not.
Steve: Well, okay. The address is
–, Sacramento. Can I go now?
That's it for this week's interview! Until next time, this is your interviewer saying "Call me Larry!"
Don's Diet Julius
- Place 1/2 cup orange juice concentrate in blender
- Fill 2 cup container 1/2 full with ice cubes
- Add water to make 2 cups and pour into blender
- Add 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- Add 4 packets of Equal Sweetener (equiv. to 8 tsp. sugar)
- Blend on LOW speed until ice thoroughly crushed
- Religious advisor wanted. No experience necessary. Must enjoy out-of-body travel and work well with animals. Send resume and salary history to The Newsletter.
- Fence painter needs fences to paint. Any color, so long as it's white. (209) —.
Requiem For A Pigeon
We witnessed a pigeon's demise
Right here on the dock o' the Bay
There was nothing we could do
Nothing we could say
It just wasn't the pigeon's day
We tried mouth-to-beak
And the Heimlich technique
But the pigeon had croaked
Did you know pigeons float?
Well, this one sure did today!
Lucy, August 15
Letters To The Editor
Due to lack of space in this week's Newsletter and the fact that nobody gets more ink than is absolutely necessary, the following letters have been edited … considerably:
- "Your newsletter #3 was good, as usual … I'm hitting .333 (left-handed) … keep up the good work!" – Steve, School Teacher, Sacramento
- "Your newsletter has gotten totally out of hand! I think you should just shut up!" – Rival Family Newsletter
And now, a word from our sponsor …
This newsletter was put together using an IBM PC, Logitech Mouse, Xerox Ventura Publisher 1.1 and Word Perfect 4.2.
The Holmes Family Newsletter Staff consists of: Larry the Interviewer, Anonymous the Poet, all our Roving Reporters, and Bill the Editor.
With special thanks to Steve, for his letter to the editor, and Don for his recipe