January 3, 1990
[formerly known as The Holmes Family Newsletter]
Predictions for 1990
- Elvis Presley will still be dead.
- Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reassigned as Ambassador to Libya.
- Los Angeles will secede from the Union and nobody will care.
- The Raiders will move to Sacramento, then Oakland, then back to Los Angeles.
- Don will be arrested for accessing secret military computers. He will be tried for treason and sent to Panama.
- Greg and June will buy a cow and market their own brand of yogurt.
- Doug will get lost in the wilderness for several months before finally emerging with a tale of abduction by aliens and proof of the existence of the Lost City of Atlantis. He'll have pictures.
- Bill will be involved in a boating accident, lose his memory and, afterwards, start his own religion. He'll call it "Myanetics: A Science of Mine."
New Year's Resolutions
- Steve: Lose weight and beat Bill in tennis
- Denise: Find a cure for 2nd graders
- Lucy: Stop taking amphetamines
- Doug: Get a "real" job
- Jeannie: Make the roller derby all-star team
- John: Be first human to ride a motorcyle around the world
- Mike: Become Chancellor of East Germany
- Bill: Win the Pulitzer Prize for journalism
- Greg: Single-handedly remove all toxic waste
- Dad & Eleanor: Win the lottery, any lottery, just once
- Don: Start smoking again
- Diane: Eradicate the world's lower back problems
[WARNING! Due to the delicate nature of the following interview, it may not be suitable for children.]
This week we interviewed Lucy [redacted], a mild-mannered DMV investigator from Livingston,
CA, while her friend (we'll call him "Ken") watched in horror.
- HARD COPY: Would you put the gun down, please?
- Lucy: Oh, sorry. Bad habit. I'd like you to meet Ken.
- HARD COPY: Hi Ken. So, I hear you're pregnant.
- Ken: What?!
- HARD COPY: I was talking to Lucy.
- Lucy: I'm not pregnant. My dog "Coyote" is.
- HARD COPY: Oh. Well, that screws up my whole interview!
- Lucy: Sorry.
- HARD COPY: So, how do you go about getting a dog pregnant?
- Lucy: Excuse me?
- HARD COPY: I mean, do you take out ads? Or do you, like, walk her up and down the
street until she meets a cute male dog from a good family, or what?
- Lucy: Oh, please!
- HARD COPY: Wait, don't leave! We're not finished yet. So, what are you going to
name the puppies?
- Lucy: Oh, you know, just One, Two, Three, Four, like that. Just depends on how
many puppies there are, you see.
- HARD COPY: Really? That's amazing! I had a dog named Zero! But he ran away.
- Lucy: Somehow I'm not surprised. Look, I've got to go. I just remembered I have
to get all my teeth pulled out.
- HARD COPY: Well, hey, let's do this again sometime! It's been a real treat!
- Lucy: Yeah. I'll call you.