Billy Club

News That Hits You Over The Head

Vol. 2, No. 4, February 26, 1990

Coyote has puppies!

Lucy's dog, Coyote, had four "little shepherdy things" on Friday, the 23rd. Yeah, only four. "But they're big puppies," says Lucy. This is the third litter for Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels. And, pursuant to AKC Rule 60609, the names of these puppies must begin with the letter "C" ("c" being the third letter of the alphabet, you see). Billy Club humbly offers these suggestions: Calling All Cars, Cat's Pajamas, Crustaceous Anthropoid, Common Cur, Clubhouse Chat, Cotton Picker, Coyote Breath and Cricket Smasher. Since Lucy most assuredly won't use any of our suggestions, maybe you should call Lucy with some suggestions of your own at 209-xx-xx.
Speaking of dogs, Lucy traded in her male German shepherd, Bachus, to the Manteca Police Department in exchange for cash and a future draft pick. Bachus will wear a badge and be trained to fire a service revolver, sniff out drugs, and capture bad guys. He'll be a regular Deputy Dawg! We asked Bachus to comment, and he said (in dog talk), "I'm going to give 110 percent and contribute however I can. I'm taking it one day at a time."

Jeannie named 4H leader

In a bold political move, Jeannie, mother of two, has taken over as Lathrop's area 4H leader. "Sweeping changes will be made!", Jeannie declared. When Billy Club asked Jeannie what "4H" stands for she said,"That's not important. What's important is that sweeping changes will be made."

Doug goes to Vermont

Billy Club's roving "photoventurer", Doug [redacted], phoned our Surfside Way bureau the other night from Washington, D.C. He had just returned to D.C. from Vermont because he had to go all the way to Vermont before he got to any snow, because they've been having a warm spell in D.C., and he really wanted to see some snow before leaving for Florida. Are you following any of this? Anyway, he's probably in Florida by now, playing golf with his old pals from Clearwater.

  • Disturbing News: A recent survey has revealed that Sacramento ranks No. 1 in the country for hours spent viewing t.v. movies, per capita, and last in regards to keeping up with fashion.
  • Less But Still Fairly Disturbing News: Royal Crown Cola has changed the design on its cans! Is nothing sacred?
  • News From Hayward: Diane has landed her first chiropractic job since officially becoming a chiropractor! Diane's brother, Steven, living in Raleigh, N.C., was married to a girl named Debbie on Feb. 9. Debbie plans on keeping her maiden name.

Tiffany wins race!

Over the weekend, Tiffany and her mom, Jeannie, ran in the one-mile segment of the City of Ripon's prestigious "Almond Blossom Charity Run." Tiffany's aunt Lucy ran in the five-mile segment of the race. And, okay, so Tiffany didn't actually win her race, but if it wasn't for all those people in front of her, she would have. Congratulations, Tiffany!


March 1 – Dad & Eleanor's Anniversary


  • "Let's go hecka fast, Dad!" –Thomas, while on the back of his father's Harley
  • "I want to be on t.v. when I grow up!" –Bryan, in an exclusive interview with Billy Club


"I'm still in Germany and don't plan on returning [to the U.S.] just yet. Through Doug's inspiration, I plan to visit Dresden, East Germany, where many of the [redacted] family resided. I doubt if anything will come of it, but it gives me a wonderful excuse to visit "the most beautiful opera house in the world."
It seems the East German government was more interested in building grandiose cultural centers than repairing homes or roads destroyed in WWII. (This ends my segment on political commentary.)
For my birthday, my host family [the Lehmanns] gave me a trip to Paris! I should be doing the Louvre and Rue de Rivoli by May '90. I also want to get up to London to visit my friend Martin and experience the British club scene, but I don't know if I can swing it.
As for my studies, I'm currently attending only one class. All the others were so boring. I prefer to learn "street German."
So much for news from Europe. I don't know much about what's going on, nor do I care. If I get the urge to step into the "real" world, I read Time magazine. I haven't been here long enough to know which newspaper can be trusted. Another point is that I don't get German humor or satire on the written page. Does anybody? – Michael [redacted], Freiburg

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