Frequently Asked Questions About Healthcare

Q: What does HMO stand for?

  • A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voicemail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

    Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

  • A: No. Only those you need.

    Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

  • A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day's drive away!

    Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

  • A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

    Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

  • A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

    Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

  • A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

    Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

  • A: Poke yourself in the eye.

    Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

  • A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

    Q: What should I do if I get stick while traveling?

  • A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

    Q: No. I mean, what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

  • A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

    Q: I think I need a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

  • A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

    Q: What accounts for the largest portion of healthcare costs?

  • A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

    Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

  • A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

    Drivers License Application – California Department of Vehicles

    Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

    Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

    Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

    If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

    Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?

    Yes___ No ___

    Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)


    Please check hair color:

    Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde

    Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

    Please indicate activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

    [ ] Eating

    [ ] Applying make-up

    [ ] Talking on the phone

    [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat

    [ ] Having sex

    [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

    [ ] Tanning

    [X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

    [ ] Watching TV

    [ ] Reading Variety magazine

    [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

    Please indicate how many times

  • a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
  • b) You expect to be shot at while driving: _____

    Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

    Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

  • a) Prozac
  • b) Zovirax
  • c) Lithium
  • d) Zanax
  • e) Valium

    If none, please explain:________________________

    What is the length of your daily commute?

  • a) 1 hour
  • b) 2 hours
  • c) 3 hours
  • d) 4 hours or more


    If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

  • a) Call the police to report the crime
  • b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on TV
  • c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through
  • d) Call your therapist
  • e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

    In the event of an earthquake, you should:

  • a) Stop your car
  • b) Keep driving and hope for the best
  • c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
  • d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

    In the event of rain, you should:

  • a) Never drive over 5 MPH
  • b) Drive twice as fast as usual
  • c) You're not sure what "rain" is

    When stopped by police, you should:

  • a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
  • b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
  • c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

    Nurse Tails and other sights

    True stories, supposedly

    A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

    A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' instructed the nurse. 'Yes, they used to be,' remorsed the patient.

    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

    I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, 'Cover your right eye with your hand.' He read the 20/20 line perfectly. 'Now your left.' Again, a flawless read.

    'Now both,' I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

    A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, 'You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!'

    During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?', asked the doctor. 'The patch.' The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see….Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.'

    And of course, the best is saved for last….

    A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

    'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

    A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

    The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus. What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."

    Five surgeons

    Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

    The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.'

    The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'

    The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.'

    The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.'

    Fifth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…'

    Dentist's office

    The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

    "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

    Mr. Miller turned to his wife. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

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