The Broken Record

Vol. 4, No. 5, June 25, 1992

"Predictable, irritating. Really, no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

L.A. riots: The aftermath

In the aftermath of the Los Angeles riots, religious and community leaders speak of healing, rebuilding, minority empowerment …

Enough already!!! If I hear the words "aftermath," "healing," or "rebuilding" one more time, I'm gonna puke!

And now, on with the real news …

Andy catches first fish!

On a recent camping trip, Andy "Big Boy" [redacted] caught his first fish ever. And it was a whopper: 37 pounds! Or maybe it was 3.7 lbs. Anyway, it was a fish.

Of course, Greg, Aileen and Brian caught fish, too. But they catch fish all the time.

June didn't go fishing. She was in the car on her way to join her family when, suddenly, she was surrounded by a herd of drooling, demented cows! Of course, she turned around and went back to the cabin, leaving Greg and the kids to fight their way through the cows back to the cabin.

In an exclusive interview regarding what has come to be known as the "cow incident," an emotionally drained Greg stated, "It was touch and go there for a while, but we made it back to the cabin for a fish dinner. And there's a fresh side of beef in our freezer at home!"

Dad has eye surgery

Dad recently underwent successful surgery to remove cataracts from his left eye. Afterwards, he had this to say, "It used to be the top E on the eye chart was fuzzy without my glasses. Now I can read the top six lines without glasses!"

The doctors say they don't want him driving a car or reading anything for a while until his eye recovers. In the meantime, Eleanor has to do the driving and the reading and the cooking and the gardening …

"The worst aspect of this whole thing," says Dad, "is that I was just about to publish the next O Progresso. But, since the doctors don't want me using the computer, I had to trust Bill with the latest O Progresso. I can only hope he won't screw it up."

[After this story was written, the O Progresso newsletter did go out and, some say, it was the best issue in years.]

Doug trapped in blizzard

Doug was in the middle of a campsite video "shoot" somewhere in the Sierras between Highways 80 and 88 when he was unexpectedly caught in a freak June blizzard!

Doug, however, was not phased by the snowstorm. "I built a snowman and slept inside it until it melted," says Doug.

Regarding the video he was shooting, for your copy of it, call Doug at (916) xx-xx. When you get his voice-mail, just push "3" on your touch-tone phone. To order a video, push "4". To order a pizza, push "5".

Denise booked

Denise got a ticket recently for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign. She fought it in court and had the fine reduced, then wrote about it in a letter to the editor of The Natomas Journal. And, to her surprise, she got a response; not from the editor, but from other readers.

The first letter was a long-winded diatribe from some misguided woman who no doubt works for the government. We would reprint the letter, but it's just too long and stupid; saying things like "Since when is a citation for breaking the law a judgement call?" and "What kind of message does this send to her students?"

At least one out of the three letters seemed to take Denise's side (as does this newsletter). As far as we're concerned, not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign ranks right up there with spitting on the sidewalk.

Some time later, Denise received a another ticket; this time for parking in a handicapped zone. Sorry, Denise, but on this one we have to agree with the ticket.

Finally, Denise has bought a new, red car; bringing up the question – Do people in red cars get more tickets because they drive a red car? Or do people who get more tickets drive red cars? Something to think about.

They call him "Frogboy"

Thomas accomplished something no one else has ever accomplished in the "greater" [redacted] family's rich history. Single-handedly, Thomas gathered up seven toads (not frogs, but they call him "Frogboy," anyway) while at his aunt Lucy's house. He carried the toads all the way back to Lucy's house, only to have Lucy, in a demonic rage, dump them all out of the Coke can Thomas was keeping them in. You might think that would be the end of the story, but no. Thomas went out and collected those toads all over again; this time, somehow managing to collect five more than he started with! How did he do it?!

We asked Thomas to explain his technique, but he said, "You don't ask Superman how he flies, do you? Okay. So, don't ask Frogboy how he collects frogs!"

Don & Diane finally leave

Don and Diane, and their cats, have finally left "beautiful" Hayward and moved to Nashville, Tennessee (home of the Grand Ol' Opry and "Dollywood").

Before leaving the Golden State, however, they received a gala sendoff at (where else?) Lucy's house high up in the hills of Livingston. (The only place to have a gala event.)

Everyone was there (except for those who weren't). Hugs and tears (of joy or sadness, we couldn't tell) were the order of the day. But everyone knew that Don and Diane were moving on to bigger and better things. (Well, they were moving on, anyway.)

So, to make a long story short: They left.

Good luck, you two! (Or maybe that should be "y'all.")


John, July 2
Independence Day July 4
Summer Olympics July 25-(?)


How about those Sacramento Surge? We told you they would win it all! For those of you who don't know (probably everyone), they won the World League of American Football's "World Bowl '92"!

As far as our other sports predictions went:

The Bulls beat the Blazers in the NBA Finals. (Not the other way around as we predicted.)

Hockey's Stanley Cup went to the Pittsburgh Penguins for the second straight year. (We'd predicted the New York Rangers.)

Of course, our baseball predictions will come true.


Can you spell "potato"? As you must know by now, Vice President Quayle can't. This, of course, merely confirms what everyone already knew about Dan Quayle.

Speaking of idiots: Did you hear about the recent William Renquist-led Supreme Court decision allowing U.S. "officials" to kidnap foreign nationals in their home country and bring them to the United States for trial? Why don't we just proclaim that the entire world is United States property and we can do whatever the hell we want?

with Lionel Holmes

  • Broken Record: So tell us about this eye surgery. It must have been very painful.
  • Holmes: No worse than sitting here talking to you.
  • BR: That's just great. You don't mind if we change the subject? We like to keep these interviews moving.
  • Holmes: So do I.
  • BR: Our researchers were going through your garbage the other day, and …
  • Holmes: What?!
  • BR: It's standard procedure.
  • Holmes: Standard procedure for you, maybe.
  • BR: Well, anyway, we found notes from what we believe to be your next book, "Left-Handed Portuguese Fisherman." When do you expect this book to be published?
  • Holmes: I don't know what you're talking about.
  • BR: Garbage doesn't lie, Mr. [redacted]!
  • Holmes: [silence]
  • BR: Is there any truth to the rumor that you're not really Portuguese at all?; that you simply pretend to be Portuguese so you can sell books, write newsletters, and make lots of… What's that in your hand? It's not loaded, is it? You wouldn't really shoot me…

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